Saturday, November 2, 2013

Mid-life crisis?

Today was my tipping point of all sorts. I finally comprehend how people actually make decisions they never ever intended to make, and those decisions were the one that pulled the trigger right at the temple. It wasn’t a decision I had to make for a milestone - just small, maybe even so minor I didn’t even put that much thought into it. One of the many regrettable accounts of a lifetime. 

I decided to pause my activities on most of my SNA. I never liked the idea of having a last-seen timestamp on my phone, and thankfully now it can be removed. I never liked the idea of tweeting excessively; it gives people a chance to curate my thoughts and know how I feel, what I’m thinking - That I never really like. And it’s so cliche because I actually find avenue in writing on my space. And now I’m having another internal struggle with myself. I’m tired of doing the things I do, but yet I don’t wish to give up. And through all the shit I put myself through, I think I can do better but yet I don’t execute enough to see viable results. Neither am I asking too much of myself but I get disappointed time and again when I don’t get understood. 

I don’t blame anyone. It’s really hard to understand people, and it’s unfair to want to have someone to actually understand me when I don’t even understand people more than half the time. I try to ignore conversations as much as I can, and then I start questioning myself “Where had all my friends gone to.” The only person I ever try to connect and re-connect is ju, and what makes it hard sometimes is that we never started on the same page. We’re two very different people. And he had to go through a lot to understand and accept who I am. I’m not the person you read about online, or try reading about in this space. I don’t even know who I am, or what I live for. I thought I once knew (again). 

The year is drawing to a close. Half a year ago I thought I knew what I wanted. All it takes is another half a year to strip me naked and leave me lying on the barren cold floor; shivering in fear. I need aid, and the person that can help me overcome this push-pull struggle can only be me. But the y side tells me I should drop that helping hand and leave me alone, and I’ll be fine, I’ll be better. Nothing’s wrong with that. But if life drew me another choice right now, what would it be? 

Have I done everything that I would have done, to the best of my ability, if I were to leave, with no regrets? No I’m not pulling the trigger. But just my rhetorical thoughts talking. 

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